Still....

When the habit of ceaseless thinking has unwound, the mind doesn’t do something unless you ask it to.  It rests, like a lazy dog.  Imagine.  All’s quiet in there.  Just life:  just this moment of life, sans commentary - Jan Frazier

Imagine a place inside yourself where every thing is calm and quiet. As if you were the reflection of a still pond or the gentle rolling of waves across an ocean. This is something I long for every day, actually every moment. When I was younger I didn't realise that it was this peace inside and from me that I was searching for in my quest for a spirituality or religion. I deeply wanted to capture the vastness of the cosmos and carry this around as a sense of wonder and delight towards the world. I wanted to understand....I still do. But now I really understand that this is always possible in every moment and the pain of not being in this mysterious understanding seems so much greater now. 

I have come to the conclusion that I really don't like being busy. Any hint of anything looking like I will be busy fills me with anxiety. I require space and progression through things rather than jumping from this to that. I also need a bit of notice but also some empty days where I stay home and hide out.  Going for a swim, reading out on the verandah, working up to some cooking and baking. Just me and the wind and the sky and the birds. Time to breathe easy, time to think and contemplate, time to enjoy myself and grow strong again to enter back into the outer life. Family and friends are beautiful and I am grateful for their place in my life, but I need to be a hermit too. 

All I really want is the freedom to be as I am and to accept myself as this, and to feel free regardless of who I am with, what I am doing, or where I am. This as many of you know, is not a simple thing. It has required therapy, meditation, yoga, writing, writing, writing, sharing with others, constantly opening, and choosing to look to the positive by being constantly inspired by the beauty that is life. Focusing on the smaller elements, the colours in the sky, the patterns of buildings, the sparkly eyes of a stranger, the feel of the salt and the sand on my skin. All of these and many more bring me to an appreciation that I get to be here, be here now, working it all out, in my own bumbling way. And I get to share this journey with some truly amazing and interesting souls. Life can be hard, can feel too much, can feel too full, but it is such a ride and I try not to forget the love I can feel, in every moment, if I just let myself...