Not the child

I was told very recently that I was the adult, not the child. And yet I was behaving in a way of being childish. I was not in control of my anger, I was blaming the other person, and I couldn't seem to find my way out of this place. I find that I am better at hiding all of this with people other than my family. Hiding being the operative word. I still push these strong feelings/emotions down in order that I don't hurt the other person or make a fool of myself. 

Sometimes this is both to mine or their detriment, sometimes I am grateful I have taken time out, looking deeper I see my own part in it more and find compassion for the other more easily.

My own poor family, the ones I love dearly and mostly in the world, that I can't even imagine my life without, my own children whom have now always been a part of me, my husband whom I adore and who has brought more joy and laughter into my life than I could have dreamed of....well don't they cop it?? It is crazy that this is the coal face, this is where the rubber hits the road. They unwittingly become the witnesses and bearers of my most shameful behaviour and my deepest regrets. It is a daily practice to not blame others or other stuff for the circumstances in which one finds oneself or the feelings that emerge or the pain and suffering that can continue well past it's usefulness date. The good times too - we so rarely take responsibility for these. It is as if we are blowing in the breeze of fate, never knowing which way we will fly off into. 

Yet this is the way of the child. Allowing others to direct our choices, holding others accountable for our own circumstances, never acknowledging that we may have a part in it somewhere. And it's a tricky line to walk, as walking in this child state does not allow us freedom to change and develop, walking too much the line of self-responsibility for the effect on others and our earth can also be wearing and become too much of a constraint until we see more clearly that we need to see as an adult when we become the adult. It is no use taking on the responsibilities of an adult if we are still behaving as a child, it just builds us more walls and endless frustration.

For myself I feel in this transitional state, desperately longing and attempting to develop compassion, not taking everything that everyone else says and does so personally, yet unable to just drop this child state of hanging onto everything that hurts and throwing it around at those I love. I find myself apologising to my girls for being so angry, feeling that the depth of my anger is unreasonable given the situation, that they become the recipient of all the anger I have ever felt in all my life. I feel as though my own inability to cope with the pressures of modern living, busy busy busy, activities activities activities, they live a life of less joy and lightness than i would wish for them to experience while they are still children. 

But this is the dream.....to give them all that I never had and so desperately desired as a child. I can only hope that at least some of this lightness rubs off on them, and that they understand that what is most important is the ability to not take yourself too seriously!! That you can look at all of this and realise that you just have to get over yourself and do the best you can!