writing....anyone?

The pain and the joy of writing.....


I am at the moment supposed to be writing a thesis. It is difficult to get going. I want to be at the beach or reading a book or anything but doing this now. Where do I begin? This is always one of the most difficult parts.....the beginning. And then of course there is the body and the end and all the bits that go in between. Nothing much to worry about!!

The funny thing is that once I am into it I love it. I resent having to stop. i love the feel of the keyboard...the shape of the sentences and the sound of words forming into an idea. I really do love it so why does it bring me such pain?

I think that anything we pour our hearts into is the same...we long for the bit of it that is easy and flowing...we are repelled by the hard bits which are where to start and how to link everything together. The practice of it can drive us crazy. But it is worth the effort. Because every now and then, a sentence leaps out at me and I think "oh my god" that is so beautiful. The construction is perfect and the place it takes me to is a wonderful light filled space of air and fullness. It is these moments which keep me coming back for more.

What is it that drives your love and pain and insight? 

I have taken 3 days out of family life to just sit in the library and I have a bag full of photocopied articles, writing books of notes and the intention to make something of it all. What will it be - I'm not too sure. I intend to trust int he process of what may emerge. Hopefully something meaningful if not deep will come out the other side. It is a worthy pursuit to look into something deeply, to reflect and take in an idea and then to see if it can expand out into the wider world. Will my notions be relevant, will my reflections be at all interesting to another reader. I can only go for it...

to look into the heart
of matter
and emerge
without loss 
or substance 
is impossible. 
to emerge 
with feeling and wonder
is instead 
much more.
to bury myself
i must first ask
where can I go
if I am here.
only then do I realise
I 
am already there.

Vicki Kelleher April 2014

Not the child

I was told very recently that I was the adult, not the child. And yet I was behaving in a way of being childish. I was not in control of my anger, I was blaming the other person, and I couldn't seem to find my way out of this place. I find that I am better at hiding all of this with people other than my family. Hiding being the operative word. I still push these strong feelings/emotions down in order that I don't hurt the other person or make a fool of myself. 

Sometimes this is both to mine or their detriment, sometimes I am grateful I have taken time out, looking deeper I see my own part in it more and find compassion for the other more easily.

My own poor family, the ones I love dearly and mostly in the world, that I can't even imagine my life without, my own children whom have now always been a part of me, my husband whom I adore and who has brought more joy and laughter into my life than I could have dreamed of....well don't they cop it?? It is crazy that this is the coal face, this is where the rubber hits the road. They unwittingly become the witnesses and bearers of my most shameful behaviour and my deepest regrets. It is a daily practice to not blame others or other stuff for the circumstances in which one finds oneself or the feelings that emerge or the pain and suffering that can continue well past it's usefulness date. The good times too - we so rarely take responsibility for these. It is as if we are blowing in the breeze of fate, never knowing which way we will fly off into. 

Yet this is the way of the child. Allowing others to direct our choices, holding others accountable for our own circumstances, never acknowledging that we may have a part in it somewhere. And it's a tricky line to walk, as walking in this child state does not allow us freedom to change and develop, walking too much the line of self-responsibility for the effect on others and our earth can also be wearing and become too much of a constraint until we see more clearly that we need to see as an adult when we become the adult. It is no use taking on the responsibilities of an adult if we are still behaving as a child, it just builds us more walls and endless frustration.

For myself I feel in this transitional state, desperately longing and attempting to develop compassion, not taking everything that everyone else says and does so personally, yet unable to just drop this child state of hanging onto everything that hurts and throwing it around at those I love. I find myself apologising to my girls for being so angry, feeling that the depth of my anger is unreasonable given the situation, that they become the recipient of all the anger I have ever felt in all my life. I feel as though my own inability to cope with the pressures of modern living, busy busy busy, activities activities activities, they live a life of less joy and lightness than i would wish for them to experience while they are still children. 

But this is the dream.....to give them all that I never had and so desperately desired as a child. I can only hope that at least some of this lightness rubs off on them, and that they understand that what is most important is the ability to not take yourself too seriously!! That you can look at all of this and realise that you just have to get over yourself and do the best you can! 

Times2

Time time time
what has become of me
At times the justly beautiful encircles me
and I find myself 
as separate
how did I manage this
as time passes more separation has occurred
but somehow more connection too
deeply felt
as if what I am is what I become
and all that is around is 
so obvious and me
there is little definition between myself
the tree the ocean the wave and the sand
yet at times I see great walls
sturdy, built over a long time
difficult to fall down
perhaps we can sit on them a while
dangling our feet
sharing an ice cream
and when we are ready
we can help each other down from them
go back inside for a cup of tea
and together watch as the grass slowly takes over
some moss appears
perhaps a storm will knock into it and some stones will loosen
these are the bonds of time 
but also time breaks down
and eventually slides into another
I become what I am
there is no getting away from it now
and the walls and the ocean are simply there
they don't have to mean anything


By Vicki Kelleher
March 2014

On Writing....

One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple ― Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums


The hardest thing in the world for me is to actually sit down and write. This is crazy because when I finally get a hold of myself, almost pressing the butterflies way inside me and swallowing the bile of anxiety that rises up, I really love it. Yes it can be frustrating, but there are moments of purest beauty that resets upon a page, almost beyond the text, the words are hardly there at all. 

Ernest Hemingway was quoted "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed". It does feel like bleeding sometimes, as if what is inside is flowing outside and the sheer agony of it is incredible! But still us writers are driven to it. It really is out of our hands in more ways than the obvious.

I remember discovering that I loved writing poetry. I must have been about 8 years old and I wrote this rhyming poem full of longing and heart felt stuff, and I read it to my Nanna. Such a kind and patient woman towards me and she said it was the most wonderful thing in the world but it seemed a little sad. How amazing I thought, that I could write something and there could be a feeling transmitted through words into another soul. This amazement continues for me until this day and the magic that happens when the right words come together...the feeling...the vision...the beauty that is shared is what keeps me retiring to my computer. 

I still carry a notebook and a pen and a pencil around, there is something special that happens with the scratching of lead onto paper, the light swirls of ink on a page. I love stationary. Give me Officeworks, Kikki K, and the local Newsagency over fashion and food any day. The smell of ink and paper chemicals...the brightness of a new pen...the feel of al the many kinds of paper textures...I always seem to need a new pencil and some sort of notebook.

And finally, the stress of writing for others - this is a new career for me and I find I am quite nervous and quite afraid that they won't like it or won't LOVE it and I will be stuck with nothing else to say, no idea to replace it. But this hasn't happened yet. Somehow a process emerges and I find what I love is listening to people's stories and feeding it back to them, adjusting their words and distilling them into something meaningful and beautiful that is 'them'. I do struggle with deadlines, as Douglas Adams writes in the Salmon of Doubt..."I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by". But learning to manage these is an art in itself and i am trying to get the hang of it. 

The main thing I have realised is that we must do what we feel compelled to or else it will stifle us and settle into something nasty in the pit of our stomachs and either diminish our lives, or darken our ability to experience lightness and joy. Be please with what you can get to within yourself and really live through whatever lens you wish to occupy...

drive_by

we see what we  want to see. 

we can't help this.

all around me I see beauty and suffering.

going along together.

the two entwined in a crazy dance.

drunk and absorbed in each other.

but this is not the time to be in sorrow.

make room for the laughter.

and as it gurgles up from deep within.

gently touch it's bubbles.

soak in it's froth.

this too may be a happy day.

or at the very least.

you may not be so sad.

and every thing you pass by.

will be as if you are travelling.

the roads to nowhere.

the freeways to love.

and being blindsided by kindness.

when you least expect.

Vicki Kelleher

March 18 2014

Still....

When the habit of ceaseless thinking has unwound, the mind doesn’t do something unless you ask it to.  It rests, like a lazy dog.  Imagine.  All’s quiet in there.  Just life:  just this moment of life, sans commentary - Jan Frazier

Imagine a place inside yourself where every thing is calm and quiet. As if you were the reflection of a still pond or the gentle rolling of waves across an ocean. This is something I long for every day, actually every moment. When I was younger I didn't realise that it was this peace inside and from me that I was searching for in my quest for a spirituality or religion. I deeply wanted to capture the vastness of the cosmos and carry this around as a sense of wonder and delight towards the world. I wanted to understand....I still do. But now I really understand that this is always possible in every moment and the pain of not being in this mysterious understanding seems so much greater now. 

I have come to the conclusion that I really don't like being busy. Any hint of anything looking like I will be busy fills me with anxiety. I require space and progression through things rather than jumping from this to that. I also need a bit of notice but also some empty days where I stay home and hide out.  Going for a swim, reading out on the verandah, working up to some cooking and baking. Just me and the wind and the sky and the birds. Time to breathe easy, time to think and contemplate, time to enjoy myself and grow strong again to enter back into the outer life. Family and friends are beautiful and I am grateful for their place in my life, but I need to be a hermit too. 

All I really want is the freedom to be as I am and to accept myself as this, and to feel free regardless of who I am with, what I am doing, or where I am. This as many of you know, is not a simple thing. It has required therapy, meditation, yoga, writing, writing, writing, sharing with others, constantly opening, and choosing to look to the positive by being constantly inspired by the beauty that is life. Focusing on the smaller elements, the colours in the sky, the patterns of buildings, the sparkly eyes of a stranger, the feel of the salt and the sand on my skin. All of these and many more bring me to an appreciation that I get to be here, be here now, working it all out, in my own bumbling way. And I get to share this journey with some truly amazing and interesting souls. Life can be hard, can feel too much, can feel too full, but it is such a ride and I try not to forget the love I can feel, in every moment, if I just let myself...

hanging in the vintage section

all you need is love....secondhand if you can



                                  
I love Fridays....it's a bit crazy/

busy to get out of the house - lunch boxes, swimming bags, shoes, hair, purse, boat - but I get to go dancing at the gym and come out exhausted, a bit sore, but very smiley. Then I get to hang out in my friend Mandy's vintage shop 'Willow and Fox'. So light, so sparkly, and just beautiful. Cups of tea, white linen, the faint scent of the Parisian markets and the odd 80's bridesmaid look, makes me feel calm, makes me feel like the world is a nice place. 

What I love most is that it reminds me that what is important is to re_discover the beauty of our every day, to re_define what we thought may have passed but can now be relevant again, and the sheer luxury of those fabrics such as lace and cotton and silky nylon. Colour also impacts upon our mood and changes or reflects where we are at and where we take our attention. I find that even the brightest colours can soften and change form when their context becomes vintage. 

So over tea and cake we make plans to change the world and re_confirm that it's ok to be a bit weird and a bit left of centre according to taste, design and priorities, and to emerge back out into the world replenished and revived, facing the bright sunshine reflecting off the cars as they drive off, the dodging and weaving of prams and bikes, and the strange coffee chicken smell of the supermarket. 
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and this is a choice we can make every day...

To Sustain...

the mind can go in a thousand directions

but on this beautiful path

I walk in peace.

With each step, the wind blows

with each step, a flower blooms

Thich Naht Hahn

When I started this blog I wasn't sure where I wanted to go or where I wanted it to take me. I think deeply about a lot of things but where I connect in is what is it life which sustain's us. What is it we need, and where do we go to get it from? How much do we take and how can we give backwards and forwards so that there is enough for everyone?

Maybe this means looking at the backs of packages of food in the supermarkets....where was it made, what do the numbers mean...maybe it involves choosing a bamboo toothbrush over plastic...maybe it means living on an Island where the beach and the cotton trees are our playground instead of the steel playgrounds with shade cloths for cover...it can be at any level that we can tap into these questions.

For me it always comes down to happiness, what is it's definition, how do I get it, is it already present and I'm just not noticing it, can I be happy when so many are suffering. this is tied to love and compassion and has become my life and the journey of my family. sometimes kicking and screaming sometimes more gently as if we are blowing in the wind or gushed up by a dumper ocean wave. 

The question of happiness and how to live a better life...one that isn't just suffered through or settled into or tolerated is an important one....please feel free to join in this dialogue with me as I seek to go deeper and look further when it is usually just inside me...