To you who knew me

What I miss the most
is the way you always had your hair done
even in times of hardness and bareness
there was always the trip to the hairdresser
expensive
passive
colour
perm
you were always the modern
the one that wore purple velvet and stripes with patterns
you seemed so free in your choices
so much yorself
that I wondered if there was more
hoped there was more
a glimpse of what you might see if I looked through your eyes
but you remain mysterious and so tall
and this is how it just has to be
but now I am here no longer waiting for you
and I am free to just be with you
and you love me I know this now
not too late
just a fact and one that sets me free

Missing our mothers

Last week was the anniversary of my Mother's death 2 years ago. I am about to head into my 40s so it is not unusual to lose a parent at my age. What I find the most difficult is how do I live with this feeling of truly being alone? There is now nobody else on this planet who knows me for so long and who knew me as a small child, watched me as I grew up and now as I have my own family. At times it feels like i have just landed it here, free form, no past , just as I am. I did experience a sense of freedom and fear after centering so much of my life like where I would live and go to study, around the need for my mother to be close to me. It was so strange when she dies to think that I could do anything I wanted to, no longer constrained by another. A supportive husband and young family I could go anywhere and do anything. Free falling is how it is for me when I think about this idea. It is such a strong pull in me to be tied to something, it is hard to let go.
But sad I have been all week, thinking of her and the relationship we shared when I was younger, how this ended as I got older and began blaming her for my own suffering. Why is it the mothers that wear most of our blame and anger and disapointment of life? Will my own children do this or will they feel I am wonderful and celebrate my life with them? It is a wonderful thing to come together as women and celebrate our mothers and the way some of us ourselves are mothers. We are always there and we try our best in whatever way that is. We need to laugh and cry together and support each other through the ordinariness of our lives. It is our relationships which make our lives special and beautiful. It is our sharing together which brings out the best in each other and it is our passion for living which we can talk about and remind each other of when all we want to do is run away from home or go and hide in the bushes while the children scream from teh house. It is this extreme ties to life through our children and our friends that make it so rich and demanding.
We need to tell each other more often that what we are doing is enough. A lot of love, the occasional game of UNO, regular food, clean clothes, brushed teath and hair,and the occasional yummy piece of cake for breakfast and we remake the world everday into a land where life can take form, and be lived in beautiful and unexpected ways.