Change the dream

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world" Oscar Wilde

When we try and shift an idea that we have had for a long time, it is very difficult. When we know that it is really important to move forward and change the direction we are going, it is crucial that we examin where we are beginning from in the first place.

Where do our ideas come from? Where do our patterns emerge? When the dream no longer fits, we need to change the dream.

I have started to really question my ideas, to look deeply at where these notions come from and I realise that these ideas are so deeply embedded, they are easy to miss. Ideas like I think stability means owning your own house, having a full time job, etc. And yet all around us people lose their houses, their jobs. This is not stability. I had a dream that when I grew up I would own my own house and live with lots of land around me and have a job that I went to every day. Now that I have children I want to be home with them and going into school and spending time with them so a full time job doesn't work. And we want to live at the ocean so owning our own house is questionable right now - but we can still live there.

The real dream for me is about freedom. The freedom to move and explore as I want to. The freedom to listen deeply to another's heart. The freedom to sit with my daughter as she reads to me on the boat and tells me all about her friends and their life at school. The freedom to understand my husband and the way he wants to communicate with me. The freedom to take my time. I am a slow learner. But this is now my dream. And when it is no longer relevant I will throw it out like all the rest. Precious and not.

Free your mind and the rest will follow ( yes that's all!)

I am woman hear me roar...

Sometimes we try to hide inside ourselves the very things which make us most appealing. The parts of us that really want to dance on the countertops when we hear Donna Summers singing 'hot stuff' on the radio in the local shop at 9.30 in the morning. Or maybe it's the part of you that wants to get out and go running or bike riding or skiing and you feel too ashamed of your present body or just can't work our how not to look ridiculous. 

I think of these shadows within us as our freedom fighters. The bits of ourselves that constantly niggle away at us hoping that one day we will crack and break out. The break out doesn't have to apear on national television or go viral on the internet. It just has to go viral within oursleves and embue our world with more colour and liveliness than we previously thought possible. 

A big shadow I have hidden is that I am a writer. I am getting it about with me more often now. It is with me at the shops, in the library, I am beginning to say it out loud and it feels like the most natural thing in the world. Much more natural than when I rolled the die for roulette, surved beers on tap, poured ice water while taking a dinner order, etc etc etc. All of these were helpful and a way to make a living and extremely honourable at the time, but I had to convince myself. 

What will you do today, that you didn't know you would do? 

Beginnning Anew

And so we can begin again. This is the time not just for resolutions but deeply held longings to be revitalised and re-committed to for the New Year. What will you chose to pursue? How will you chose to live and in what ways can you leave the world in a better place by the end of the year?

Beginning anew means creating a spiritual practice i can follow everyday. To bring ritual and the natural elements into my life as a way of being. To reafirm my caring for our environment through continuing to reduce placetics, reduce buying pocessed foods - making my own, going vintage and recycling EVERYTHING. I want to spend time with the people who love and really care about me and my family, and who cultivate the kindness and generosity in me. I want to find time and space to dream and wonder. 

I want to believe.

May your year be one of wonder and delight and may you face the challenges of life with optimism and thoughtfulness. Happy New Year!

The River

"You cannot step twice into the same river" Heraclitus

When we need to do the same things every day it can be easy to lose sight of the freshness and renewal of each day. Starting each day afresh brings us new possibilities, new challenges, and offers the chance for optimism. we may think we know how each day is going to pan out, but when we think about it it is surprising how many times little things happen or we see something different, that we weren't expecting. If we can begin a fresh day and look out for these signs and indications of life, if we can notice everything, then suddenly our days appear different to us. Each day turns into a microcosm of adventure. How do we communicate this to others when they ask how our day is, or what has been happening? I think keep it simple. Just suggest that the days have gone well, and that you seem to be spending more time noticing things around you and are finding this interesting. Who knows where the conversation may go from there! Life is never the same anywhere along it, in the same way that there is no section of a river the same, no matter where you step in. So jump in and make your own splashes!

Fitting it all in

Life is supposed to be a grand adenture but sometimes it feels like  am just trying to fit everything in that everyone else wants to do or wants me to do. Being a woman can be like a commitment to service and this wasn't what I expected family life to feel like. So how do I go about meeting the needs of each family member and somehow meeting my own needs?

There is no easy answer to this question. Firstly, I think that the expectations presented through advertising diminish the meaning of day-to-day living. Claiming that 'we deserve it' 'me time' etc is mostly unrealisitc for most women struggling with children, partners, working, housework, and sleep. Ideas of how we should look and therefore where we fit in more time for exercise, are also another thing we hae to do. It is difficult to know just what is really important to ourselves personally, individually. 

Getting clear about what is meaningful to you youself is the first step. Do I need to work? Can we live more simply and I just work less? Can the children do less activities so that we just hang out at home more often? Can I go for a walk/run/ride just because I feel free in these moments rather than obliged to lose/maintain weight? Who am I when I am alone with myself and do I enjoy who I am? How do I keep my mind interested in life while I have to wash up/vacuum/scrub the toilet? and then do it all again? 

The answer for me is to be mindful of what I am doing and to take moments of fresh air, to look out at the sky and just breathe in and appreciate. I cannot remember to do this all the time, but when I do I feel free and alive and completely ok whereeer I am.

Express yourself

"Express what you've got, oh baby, ready or not" Madonna

In the constant hecticness of life how do you find time and space to express your inner longings and creative push? How can we trickle out our desire for beauty and immersion when there are school lunches to make and socks to hang out on the line?  I struggle with this all the time. When I manage to really immerse myself in my ideas, the family suffers and can't deal with it. My children become incredibly emotional and my husband gets tense and worried. So how to be here and there at the same time is difficult. I am learning to try and make do with 5 minutes a day. Just me and whatever  can create in this time. I carry my notebook with me, a pen and even my phone camera work just fine for creative production. It's about definition and breaking sown boundaries, about being where I am at right now. Creative energy can also flow through connecting with my daughters and spending time being with them and really noticing them and what they are doing. They are my most beautiful ideas and when I truly look at them I fell this and respond internally with a sense of "all is right" and fulfilment.

Being here

"The breath of life is in the sunlight and the hand of life is in the wind" Kahlil Gibran

It is difficult to work through problems we have without losing ourselves in the process. It is easy to get caught up in wanting to be right and wanting to be justified and wanting the other person to recognise that we too have been suffering. How do we let go of these strong feelings and demands and just be willing to listen to another's? How do we get over our own needs and longings in order to be present for someone else? Even while we judge them and want to be away from all of this? Can we just let it go?

If I just can stop and look out at the ocean or the trees and remember what is beautiful and what is real in front of me, then I can let go. If I remember to breathe and instead go for a run or some other sought of movement this can take me into myself and my body - not so much thinking and dwelling.

A cool breeze and some sunlight are beautiful reminders of being here now and dealing with what is before me right now.